apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
