It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
