omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
