Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
