If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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