This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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