the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
