Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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