He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
