Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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