The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i think im in europe. pls send help
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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