I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
