her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
