My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
