Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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