honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
