im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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