We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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