I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Im part way to drunk.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
