Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
