Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
a search helicopter?!
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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