Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
My underwear smells like fireworks.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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