You're my little dorito
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
