It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Did I show you my penis last night?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
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