I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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