I think i peed on brittanys purse
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
