Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
