Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
