if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I need water and some morals
Randomize
