Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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