i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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