so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
