OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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