why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
