he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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