**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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