I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
