just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
