Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
