Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
