M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I woke up under a house in Key West
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
