just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
3pm strippers are depressing
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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