I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
