I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
