During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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