I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
