then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
