Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
