a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
