I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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