You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
